Let me be clear: everyone’s situation might differ, and my views may not align with yours. As a Nigerian who lives abroad, if finding a spouse in Nigeria works out for you, kudos. That route, however, is certainly not for me.
For me, relationship centers around two people being real to each other. With a lover in Nigeria, you are over 4000 miles apart and only communicate via texts, video calls, etc. On these mediums, people have the cover to be whoever they want to be, and their mates on the other side may not see through. You can’t easily tell if someone genuinely loves you or is in it for the gains. Worse is that cat-fishing is rampant in our generation. So people like me opposed to long distance relationships, which define finding a spouse in Nigeria, should not be judged.
I know a couple who met through a mutual friend of theirs—the man in Nigeria, the woman in the United States. Not until they got married did she realize that all the while they were dating, he was married and had children. Luckily for her though, she was able to quickly divorce him and move on.
Another couple met on Facebook. The lady lived in Houston USA, with the goal of getting married; the man in Nigeria was only interested in moving to the States. After he came over and got what he wanted, within 2 years the marriage was over. Too many of these stories abound.
I can understand why some go to Nigeria to find spouses. A friend of mine recently said she was now open to the idea: she had been unable to find a serious date in the US. Though she was initially opposed to it, age has won the debate—she is 28. Fair enough: some work with timetables, and panic can set in if certain goals aren’t met on schedule.
Let me concede: some have a really good story out of their Nigeria love hunt. I know a few people, including family members, who found genuine love in Nigeria through social media even. Shows that good things can also come out of a notorious path for those willing to gamble.
I know it can work with better, committed communication: talking things over, solving problems, deepening affection. With social media, all that has become easy. Also helpful is a couple seeing each other physically every chance they get—for a more personal interaction. That could help them spot red flags, address them or flee.
But where societal pressure is prodding those abroad seeking love at home, it remains to be seen if due diligence stands a chance. And because there’s often a background of desperation for many in love, they become too vulnerable. Which further solidifies my position not to be part of it.https://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/pagead/ads?client=ca-pub-1724430840905480&output=html&h=280&adk=362713515&adf=1884027037&w=854&fwrn=4&fwrnh=100&lmt=1599335325&num_ads=1&rafmt=1&armr=3&sem=mc&pwprc=3689043609&psa=1&guci=2.2.0.0.2.2.0.0&ad_type=text_image&format=854×280&url=https%3A%2F%2Fnigeriabroad.com%2Flife-abroad%2Fnews%2Fmarry-from-nigeria–count-me-out-&flash=0&fwr=0&pra=3&rh=200&rw=854&rpe=1&resp_fmts=3&wgl=1&fa=27&adsid=ChAI8O7M-gUQjtDY_YyuiPB4EkwA7m0QzKHd6Bo9bKYoo2KwdhdWOxAyvB0tA9f_Q-_NkZa1N23I2RDuB_amZivjxpQZWsPZ-8JPmfu4oRRpGRsTDXw_fCTWnLFSvmIx&dt=1599335325833&bpp=6&bdt=2338&idt=-M&shv=r20200831&cbv=r20190131&ptt=9&saldr=aa&abxe=1&cookie=ID%3Dfdc185a1aa5dcf6b%3AT%3D1599273929%3AS%3DALNI_MbuzJ61dq1CBeZkyHM3RJ3Dizr2aw&prev_fmts=0x0%2C854x280&nras=3&correlator=7242871835373&frm=20&pv=1&ga_vid=1072462014.1599273927&ga_sid=1599335325&ga_hid=1732351176&ga_fc=0&iag=0&icsg=10739551882&dssz=22&mdo=0&mso=0&u_tz=60&u_his=7&u_java=0&u_h=768&u_w=1366&u_ah=738&u_aw=1366&u_cd=24&u_nplug=3&u_nmime=4&adx=91&ady=2363&biw=1349&bih=667&scr_x=0&scr_y=0&eid=21067034%2C21067347%2C21066806&oid=3&pvsid=3014629855487957&pem=475&ref=https%3A%2F%2Fnigeriabroad.com%2Flife-abroad%2Fnews&rx=0&eae=0&fc=1408&brdim=0%2C0%2C0%2C0%2C1366%2C0%2C1366%2C738%2C1366%2C667&vis=1&rsz=%7C%7Cs%7C&abl=NS&fu=8320&bc=31&jar=2020-09-05-19&ifi=3&uci=a!3&btvi=2&fsb=1&xpc=dH6BHpilsM&p=https%3A//nigeriabroad.com&dtd=141
A friend once said that the problem with picking a spouse from Nigeria is that only a few dates will say no to your proposal once they know you live abroad. So it’s either most abroad suitors are eligible, or their locations are.
But the suspected insincerity cuts both ways. There was the time many Nigerian men in the United States married from Nigeria, to women they put through Nursing education in America for selfish ends. When the wife qualifies and starts working, the husband begins to demand returns. Trouble starts, and in most cases, it swallows the union which, from start, was only a means to an end. In extreme cases, some Nigerian husbands in America murdered their nurse wives.
There is also the clash of cultural expectations. A woman in Nigeria marrying a man in the Western world may be mostly attracted to the freedoms available for women in that society. The man, on the other hand, is expecting to have the domestic privileges that come with a Nigerian wife—the very thing the woman loathes and wants to drop. So you have two people with parallel expectations getting married, which may be why most times the marriages crash soon enough.
Marrying a Nigerian man or woman living in the West means a spouse who understands the system and its shortfalls, who is not swept away by its enticements. Expectations align, as do vision and worldview.
In the end, it all depends on one’s preference. I reject the idea because I think distance is a big challenge, one that can help deceit to have a free pass. To each their own, they say, and mine is to never look all the way home for something I can find on my American domot—in marriageable Nigerian women abroad.